October 15, 2010

I think I feel shitty?

Is it possible to not be quite sure about whether you're depressed or not?  I used to feel like one day you're fine and then the next you're just laying on the bathroom floor looking at the lint stuck in the showermat.  But I don't think that's how it works.  I think it's gradual.

Is it possible to be underwhelmed and overwhelmed at the same time?  Like, ohmygod I have so much stuff to do... but... does it really matter?

What good will it do?  What difference does it make?  If I'm so far away from my goals how will this one thing help?  How will it even make a dent in the hugeness of everything?

I don't sleep anymore.  At all.  I don't have enough energy to go out, and I'm never really exhausted enough to pass out, so I just lay and think.  Or stare.

I've been trying to read lately but it's been really hard, exceptionally hard, to get through things.  I've picked up so many different books, read 4 chapters, and then put them down again.  What do I want?  It isn't scifi, it isn't mystery, or romance, or political intrigue, or history.  Of everything, I feel like books are the easiest way to gauge a person - how they're feeling, their energy, ambitiousness, diversity.  Literally nothing is appealing to me right now, not even re-reads which can usually get me back into the swing of things.  Right now I'm reading One Hundred Years of Solitude and it's been kind of a struggle.  I'm about halfway through, and I like it - probably not as much s I would in different circumstances, but what can you do?  I feel like I just need this one accomplishment to pull me out of this, just one thing to be able to say "YES.  I started this thing and now I have finished it.  Because I can complete shit when I want to."

Of course, not everything is falling to pieces.  A certain little puppy has been brightening my days and literally taking up 100% of my home time, but it's a job I'm happy to have.

Taken 2 minutes ago:

Use book as a scale, because he really is tiny for what will one day become a giant dog.


Casey said...

I know what you need. You need your friendssssssssssssssssssss (like me!, yay!)

Lewis Leong said...

Sorry to hear about your funk :( Hit me up on facebook/IM/email/phone if you want to ever talk.

I want to snorgle with your pup. What type of dog is he?