I think I feel shitty?

Is it possible to not be quite sure about whether you're depressed or not?  I used to feel like one day you're fine and then the next you're just laying on the bathroom floor looking at the lint stuck in the showermat.  But I don't think that's how it works.  I think it's gradual.

Is it possible to be underwhelmed and overwhelmed at the same time?  Like, ohmygod I have so much stuff to do... but... does it really matter?

What good will it do?  What difference does it make?  If I'm so far away from my goals how will this one thing help?  How will it even make a dent in the hugeness of everything?

I don't sleep anymore.  At all.  I don't have enough energy to go out, and I'm never really exhausted enough to pass out, so I just lay and think.  Or stare.

I've been trying to read lately but it's been really hard, exceptionally hard, to get through things.  I've picked up so many different books, read 4 chapters, and then put them down again.  What do I want?  It isn't scifi, it isn't mystery, or romance, or political intrigue, or history.  Of everything, I feel like books are the easiest way to gauge a person - how they're feeling, their energy, ambitiousness, diversity.  Literally nothing is appealing to me right now, not even re-reads which can usually get me back into the swing of things.  Right now I'm reading One Hundred Years of Solitude and it's been kind of a struggle.  I'm about halfway through, and I like it - probably not as much s I would in different circumstances, but what can you do?  I feel like I just need this one accomplishment to pull me out of this, just one thing to be able to say "YES.  I started this thing and now I have finished it.  Because I can complete shit when I want to."

Of course, not everything is falling to pieces.  A certain little puppy has been brightening my days and literally taking up 100% of my home time, but it's a job I'm happy to have.

Taken 2 minutes ago:

Use book as a scale, because he really is tiny for what will one day become a giant dog.

Happy Place, but feeling strangely lonely in that place

Happy Place

Betty Draper is, as a rule, generally pretty insane.  

But for a brief moment one insignificant afternoon she was a total BADASS.  And that is why Mad Men is the best show on tv.

I STARTED AN AMAZON.COM SELLER ACCOUNT YESTERDAY AND I ALREADY SOLD TWO THINGS

This is why I love America.  One woman's trash... is another woman's slightly used statistics book.

The only thing that sucks is that I posted the second listing as a Hardcover w/CD and actually there is no CD, so... I emailed the chick (UCSB?) and hopefully she gets back to me soon (as in tomorrow morning) because she wanted a 2 day delivery.  And hopefully she still wants it... I mean, you really don't need a CD for a stats class.  Who uses them anyways?  Especially if you're the kind of person who gets their books off of amazon during the second week of school... right?

The hitch in my second order does not detract from how awesome I feel right now, however.



ME:

Things I did today:

1.  put all of danielles shit in boxes.
2.  moved all of her furniture into the center of her room.
3.  bought paint at home depot and primered the walls.
4.  opened an amazon.com selling account and listed some books.
5.  SOLD a book.  For 40 bucks!
6.  tried to find another 24x36 poster to hang beside my casablanca one above my bed.  not a lot of options, though.
7.  felt badass because of all the stuff I did!

I just want to get a cat. And be a baby.

"I have friends who had a baby and they sent me pictures and, I don't know if you know this, but you swaddle your baby up so they can't move their arms... and they just lay, like this.  And anyways my friend send me a picture and the kid was laying like this and there was just a cat right there and I'm like, 'I wanna have a fuckin' baby, I do.  I wanna have a baby."  And I was like, oh, my biological clock kicked in!  So I picked up my cell phone, I'd just gone to get a frozen yogurt, and I called my friend and I'm like, 'I think I want a baby..' and he's like, 'well, what are you doing right now?' and I'm like, 'oh, I don't know, I'm just wandering.  I went to get a frozen yogurt,' and he's like, 'well, you can't do that when you have a baby,' and I'm like, 'fuck that'.  Like, I can't get a frozen yogurt??..  Maybe I just wanna be a baby.  I would just love to lay on a couch, and with a cat?  Are you kidding me?  That's like the best thing that I ever heard of."

RIP Patricia Neal

Things I've been thinking about today.

Sorry for being so gone - work, work, work.

1. Luckily my "side" job has improved.  Marginally.  At least I've become a lot better at pretending.  I am now the world's authority on flirting with old men.

2. I wish I had more time to be outside.  I went on a bunch of bike rides with my dad this past week and they were totally fun, but I want to go kayaking or swimming or something.  I was contemplating doing a triathalon, but not until the fall - anyone know about cheap short triathalons?

3.  I spent $100 bucks on cds at Borders 2 days ago.  Because I was having a bad day... and just because I could:

4.  I've played this on loop now for about 20 minutes.  Isn't getting any duller:

5.  Have started to fantasize about getting a Vespa again.  I saw a cute little black one with pink accents parked down the street from me and I almost lost it.  Honestly, one has to draw the line for adorable propaganda somewhere.

6.  Have decided to pick up Ella Enchanted again.  Right on time for my quarterly re-reading of the poor, tattered 1997 edition that I own.  Is it just me, or does everyone love tattered, loved old books?

Things I love today

1. Chanson Beatbox


2. Scented Chapstick

3. Scavenger Hunts

4. Still Waiting for Godot T-Shirts

5. Bevmo 5cent wine sale!  

fuck.

1.  I am a waitress.  I used to have these fantasies where I'd be at work and Sofia Coppola would come in to eat, stop me, gasp, and cry out "you are singlehandedly delivering the greatest performance of any actress of your generation!!"  Tonight Joe told me that a. I'm not doing that great of a job acting and b. customers leave me lower tips because of it.  The sad part - the really, really sad part - is that I was trying - like really TRYING - to be friendly and nice and have a good memory and talk to people and whatever.  Obviously, I'm not cut out for this.  Joe said he got an email from a customer saying that I was snide and that people say I'm sarcastic.  I actually can't say I disagree.  This job is way more work that I thought it would be.

2.  I feel like I'm slacking off so much at the lab all because of this other job.  But it's like... my career... so why do I keep fucking it up??  Damn the money!

3.  I haven't exercised in like 2 months.  I just work and drink.  And sleep because I'm so fucking tired all the time.  Which is so, so bad.  I don't even drink wine anymore, I just drink beer.  God.  Okay, that does it - I'm off the beer, I just decided.

4.  I'm depressed now.

5.  I can't believe Joe said that people think I have an "interesting" personality.  Like "weird", but for adults.  Shit, this is high school all over again.

6.  I'll just stop now.  Here's a song that's been helping to zen me out: